I’m writing this in the aftermath of a pretty serious
discussion debate argument with a loved one. One that left me feeling not very loving.
It could have just been a debate. A back and forth of opinion, probably not without some mild frustration. In a perfect world. But subject and situation means a lot when it comes to stuff like this.
I already knew we differed on opinion in many different matters. The sort of matters that create foundations for things like political views, ethical practices, and other core human principles. But I love this person very much even when I don’t understand how they think.
I think most of the time you can brush small matters to the side, opinion is opinion. Sometimes with people you love, you kind of have to. But sometimes… well it goes one of two ways: you’re not in the mood, recognise you’re not in the mood, and refuse to engage further than saying ‘I disagree’ or get into a debate, governed by the rules of such a thing.
Oh wait… there is a third option. Blowing your f**king fuse.
I chose the third option. I wasn’t in the mood, hadn’t been in a sunshine-y mood all day, but I
couldn’t thought I couldn’t ignore the situation. In the back of my mind all I could think was I couldn’t possibly sit there passively and let them think I was in any sort of agreement whatsoever. No! To say I disagreed with them wouldn’t be enough, I had to tell them in DETAIL WHY THEY WERE SO WRONG.
(And I’m not going to tell you the subject of this entire thing because this isn’t that sort of post. It would exhaust me.)
What started as me going ‘are you serious’ turned into me loudly and vocally being, well, loud and vocal.
There is a small part of me that will always think I’m right this time, despite the delivery being less than perfect. Their entire argument was riddled, riddled I tell you, with illogical fallacies and hypocrisy.
…actually, I don’t think it’s such a bad thing to have thought that my argument was sounder than theirs. I don’t think that’s a negative thing to think, I believe I can be proud of myself for having passionate opinions that can be factually backed up and given as a sound case. What I do think is so negative is the timing and the delivery.
I wasn’t feeling very positive in the beginning, and it was about a tough subject to be in such a negative frame of mind about, so my manner of speaking was never going to be very diplomatic. I even had to leave the room at one point, I believe I threw word ‘sickening’ in there as I left. And, ho, when I heard the suggestion that maybe I ‘couldn’t take it’ I was in there like a rocket. I was on fire I tell you. Aggressively so.
And I got that last word, you better believe.
And then I went upstairs and fumed. Thinking all the nasty things in my head that I could. I have tinnitus and stress makes it worse, and, boy, it felt like a train was setting off in my head. I knew I had to calm down.
So I rolled out my yoga mat and put on Yoga With Adriene’s most recent video and let all the witty and nasty things I should have said down there roll around my head. Then realised that even as my mind dwelled my body had moved on, it was going with the flow of the yoga moves, my breath was deep and even. I was actively keeping my mindset from calming down. With that realisation my thoughts turned less vengeful and more to how I could get over these negative feelings. Feelings that weren’t necessarily brought on by their ‘bad’ opinions but my willingness to match that with aggression. Which actually if you knew the topic of the conversation would have been quite ironic.
I could have said everything I felt I had to say in a different way, without the frantic urgency of needing to tell someone that they’re wrong. Without the defensiveness.
This negativity I had during and after felt so heavy and slimy, made me feel out of control. Spending those moment actively seeking positivity made me feel stable and light. I can move on from this moment now without dwelling, but accepting it happened and learning from it. Maybe next time I can consciously dial it down before it gets to that point.
Don’t get me wrong, I am not ashamed of my opinions and I think they should be heard. I think all people should speak for themselves. But I also think that a positive mindset wouldn’t go amiss. More for myself and my health than anything. I want to come away from a confrontation, no matter what it is, knowing I’ve kept my cool and said my piece in a way I can be proud of. That the words of someone else should not have the power to drain me and make me feel bad. Because, ultimately, I let that happen.
With that being said, I choose positivity.